Song Writing Trends

I have a trend in my lyrical writing. I write horribly depressing songs. This is something I have noticed in the past few years, but I am really starting to examine it now because the more I write these type of songs and lyrics, the more unlike myself they are.

This isn't to say that I don't like the songs I create. As hyper-critical as I am with myself, I feel that I have come up with some great musical and lyrical content. The sad and emotional things that come into being when I'm in my writing mode flow out so naturally and easily. I once read somewhere that although no one truly loves being sad and miserable, sad songs are always more unforgettable and relatable than happy ones because everyone knows how powerful sad and negative experiences can be. Maybe I just want to make an impact? Maybe a small part of all of us is always looking for a little drama? What do I know?

I can understand why the first few solid songs I wrote turned out the way they did. I went through a disaster-filled break up with my 5 year girlfriend. Naturally, the first few songs I cranked out, heavy and acoustic, were about her, our situation, and my self worth. Then that trend continued. I made up false scenarios, things I would consider tragic and BOOM - new awesome song.

I have tried to write a happy song, don't think that I haven't. The musical portion of this song had a neutral feel to it. Without lyrics, no one would be able to tell if it was going to be "sad" or "happy". Then came the lyrics - positive, reflective of my current state of being, hopeful. On paper, all the elements where there: verse, chorus, bridge, vocal flow, syllables, story line, etc. Then, it came time to record said lyrics. No matter how many takes, no matter how many lyrical edits... it just didn't feel right. I decided to give a few days and come back to it later. No luck. So I took the tried and true approach... BOOM - new awesome song! What the fuck man??

I would consider myself to be a very positive person. Like most, if not all of us, I have had very difficult times in my life and it's even safe to say I have down right hated myself for most of my teenage and adult life. Maybe I'm not over some of those feelings? Maybe there are lingering feelings of self-hatred and low self-esteem? Or, maybe I'm just a damn passionate person??

Anyway, I always wish to have an answer for myself when I write reflectively like this. I have this fantasy that at the end of any journal or blog entry, I'll have answers for myself, but, of course, it never turns out that way. Maybe I'll write a song about it.

Throwback Entry (2011)

This entry was written in the midst of my hardcore music days and towards the rise of my new, healthy life style and life perspective:

It's amazing how shallow men and women can be. I drop a considerable amount of weight and now the lead singer isn't the only one those scene-girls want to fuck. 

I'm absolutely never one to toot my own horn, but I've been a very familiar and respected face in the Phoenix music scene for going on 4 years. When I say music scene, I mean to those who count - other musicians. Those overly drunk show-going guys and those girls that just want to fuck the cutest band member don't count and never will. 

A bit of background before I continue: I've been horribly overweight for almost my entire adult life. That's it... let's continue.

Since the weight loss, I noticed that I've been getting more attention. Could it be that I've dramatically improved my guitar skills? Has my stage presence intensified? Maybe my screams are more brutal? No, it's because I'm not this fat fuck wielding a bass and screaming his face off on stage anymore... I'm an average looking fuck wielding a bass and screaming his face off on stage and I suppose that's good enough to get me laid? Fuck that.

I'm no purist, maybe I'm in the wrong music scene, but I'm pretty damn skilled when it comes to my instrument so is it too much to ask that I be recognized for that? 

Tonight, after our set, I was approached by a girl. I was instantly stand-offish (and a little flattered) because it's hard to tell the age of these scene-girls with their heavy eye liner, cut-and-paste hair cuts, and cigarettes always at the ready. We made small talk and she eventually made a sexual comment. I replied with "... aren't you like 14?" Offended, she replied with, "I don't look 14 with my shirt off", threw her cigarette on the ground and went back inside. 

... so was she 14 or not??

Oh, well. I honestly wasn't trying to be a dick. I had a few drinks in me and that mixed with my fear of flirting with an underage girl... it all just came out wrong... or maybe right? 

Maybe my point here isn't just that people are shallow. Maybe I just need to grow the fuck up.

A Simple, Life-Saving Machine

Cycling has changed my life.

Cycling helps me focus when I'm distracted, it tires me out when I have too much energy, it calms me down when I'm stressed, to clears my head when it's feeling cluttered, it even gives me energy when I have none.

Because of cycling, I've maintained a healthy body and spirit which is extremely contrary to the lifestyle I was living for a solid 4 years prior to my cycling discovery.

That isn't to say I didn't enjoy and create life-long memories during those 4 years, but looking back on pictures and videos captured during those times, I feel so embarrassed! What was I thinking? How did I have such a beautiful girlfriend?? Haha. But all those events are in the past and I'm still very thankful for them.

This is my current bicycle. Her name is Regina... as in Spektor. Together, we ride approximately 60 miles a week. She is my savior.

Starting Fresh by Continuing

Tomorrow I move back out from my parents house.

We have a great relationship, but it's a bit difficult to bring "friends" over after a night out on the town... ya know?

I appreciate their love for me and everything they've done since my financial hard times. I'm on my feet again and ready to continue to put my head down and march forward with school, work, and adventures.

Tonight is the end of an awesome life so far and tomorrow will be the start of an outstanding life!